Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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