my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
