Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
