I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
