You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize