he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We are two peas in an std pod
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
