Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
