i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
