I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
