so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
