I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I didn't notice because vodka
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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