letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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