Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
