She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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