so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
