So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
