I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
