I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
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Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
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No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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