I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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