did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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