I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
