When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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