She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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