sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
