On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
