1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
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He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
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he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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