I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so much tequila, so little girl.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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