So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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