You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
