it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
