If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
