Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Randomize
