My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
