I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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