I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
he shaved USA in his pubs
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
