my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
