Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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