pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
