I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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