It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
