How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
