This is not my ceiling
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
