Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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