I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
