fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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