Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
