Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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