I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize