Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
