Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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