Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
