When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
