just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
