now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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