Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
