Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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