I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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