i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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