Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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